As a few of you know, I found out my oldest brother Steve passed away on Wednesday at the age of 47. While we were not as close as I could have hoped, we still got along. He is my brother. He taught me so much. I knew he loved me, and I will remember the good moments together.
Since I haven't known more than a few hours, and I have spent a majority of that time at work, it hasn't hit me in the fullest extent that he is gone from this earth for good. My thoughts are of course a jumbled mess.
Why didn't I spend more time with him? What will I do now? What will I do when I fully realize what has happened? Were his last moments peaceful? What is he experiencing now? Does he know I love him? Does he forgive me for the things left unsaid? How is my mom feeling, losing a child? How do my siblings feel? How will this affect my mother's health? What would he want me to do or be?
The list of course goes on and on. I have seen so many friends speak of their loved ones passing, and thy always have such strong attitudes and inspiring words. I don't have that. I have always thought that this time would come so much later in my family's and my life. It's completely true, everything they say. Life is short. You never know when your or their last day could be. Even when you have some inclination of things to come, it doesn't make anything easier.
Even with the belief in an afterlife, a heaven, and a calm passing on, the sting is barely lessened. I know he is in a better place. The thought that I will never again on this earth be able laugh with him, play Go Fish with him, stare in awe at his collection of movies and cowboy boots breaks pieces inside of me I didn't know I had. And to think- Nate and Steve never met. Perhaps that is the worst of it for me. They never got to know what a great man the other was while in mortality.
Ultimately I have to remember that he is in a better place. That cliché phrase is really true. He is separated from that mortal body that caused him so much pain. He is free to continue to work toward the path of perfection. He is there with his father who can show him happiness and love. He will be there to welcome us when we leave our mortal bodies behind. No matter what anyone believes, no matter if there is or isn't a heaven, these are the thoughts that gives me comfort. They are the tidbits that give me hope. The memories I have help me remember what a wonderful brother he was, how he was a great example to me, and how even the smallest moment in someone's life can influence another's so strongly.
I love you, Steve. I'll miss you more than even I know. I hope you know how much of an example you are to me. I'll see you again soon.
A big tight hug around the neck from me to you- Alee
I have a fam'ly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
Fam'lies can be together forever
Through Heav'nly Father's plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.
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